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Which party runs the state legislature? Watching the Republican state chairman debate his Democratic counterpart on gay issues last week, you could've been confused.

GOP Chairman Chris Healy got socked with hardball questions from a frustrated crowd at the New Haven Gay & Lesbian Community Center. Why won't you legalize gay marriage, the crowd demanded? Why won't you force employers to extend benefits to same-sex partners?

Healy let out heavy sighs. He slumped in his chair. My party's not in charge, he reminded the crowd repeatedly. The Democrats are the ones with the veto-proof majorities in the House and Senate. You got a problem? Take it up with them.

Most Republicans do oppose gay marriage and Healy said forcing employers to give same-sex partners benefits isn't "in the best interest of society for an economy to grow." But the GOP isn't the party controlling the agenda.

Democratic Party boss Nancy DiNardo, meanwhile, was cool as a cucumber. Though starting the evening with a weird apology—"You should have had equal rights and been treated like heterosexual people a long time ago"—DiNardo somehow dodged most of the crowd's outrage.

She sat back in her chair, a round Obama sticker on her lime-green blazer, and basically told the crowd, You're the ones with the power to make change and you've had it all along. Just click your heels three times and say, There's no marriage like gay marriage.

"You have to continue to fight for what you want," DiNardo actually told the crowd. "[Rep.] Rosa DeLauro fought 17 years to get equal pay for equal work. It may be a long battle but know in the end it will be worth it for all of you."

The frustration on display at the meeting belied the progress Connecticut's made on equality. We were the first state to enact a civil union law without a court order, in 2005. And in 2007, the General Assembly became the second legislature in the country to pass a same-sex marriage bill out of committee. The Supreme Court is expected to rule any day on a case that could legalize same-sex marriage, and gay rights advocates are mounting a legislative push for next year in case the justices don't rule in their favor.

The real frustration, perhaps, is knowing how possible same-sex marriage is, but how the party in charge—the one most likely to do something about it—just can't muster the votes.

So how do you persuade reluctant Democrats to embrace something as politically sensitive as same-sex marriage? Especially when their incumbency relies on them staking out moderate positions? The answer: one at a time.

Anne Stanback, head of Love Makes a Family, the state's most prominent LGBT rights group, says there are the votes in the Senate to pass a gay marriage bill, but the House doesn't have enough to override Gov. Jodi Rell's promised veto. So she's pinning her hopes on Rell changing her mind.

Meanwhile, Love Makes a Family continues to bring more and more lawmakers into their camp with personal testimonials instead of fact-sheets. State Rep. Pat Widlitz is one of the converts.

Widlitz, a Guilford Democrat, voted yes on a bill defining marriage as one man and one woman early in her legislative career. "I was like a deer caught in headlights," Widlitz says. "I was insulated from it. I didn't know a lot of gay couples."

After that, she started getting calls from gay and lesbian constituents. They invited Widlitz to house gatherings to share their stories. One lesbian couple gave Widlitz a DVD of their commitment ceremony.

"I cried," Widlitz says. "They wanted me to see their families were there. Their friends were there. It was like a wedding. This was two people who loved each other very much. I just don't see any reason to not recognize a couple that really is in love and committed to each other and just wants to be like everybody else."

Today, Widlitz backs same-sex marriage whole-heartedly. "People aren't asking for your permission to be together," Widlitz says. "They are together. They've had children. What they want is the respect of the community around them to recognize their relationship that is a loving, responsible relationship."

Now if DiNardo could just convince the rest of them.